Counting My Blessings

So much has happened in the past week. I fell apart, pulled myself together, fell apart again, and now I'm slowly finding my feet again...literally. Yesterday was a fantastic day...I fell down in the middle of teaching at the middle school and hurt my back, when I wasn't in class I was propped up in bed, and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep around 8:30 and had to get up to put my pajamas on, tripped, and almost fell again. And yes, THAT was a good day. The pain, the frustration, all of that means so little if you have HOPE. I was happy because I found hope even when I felt like I was going nowhere...I have confidence that now that I can move forward.

What went well? I made a matzo gyro for lunch; I got a call from my soldier; I went to a wine bar and caught up with an old friend. No, I didn't even get to TALK to my soldier...he called during rehearsal when I couldn't answer my phone, but he CALLED. That's what really matters, that I know he's alive and well, that he's thinking of me, and that I'll be able to talk to him soon. I am SO thankful for all the blessings in my life. I'm thankful for my soldier, for the good times and the bad. I'm thankful for the memories of our time together and for the moments those memories keep me going. I'm thankful for hope, for the confidence that I will be okay no matter where life takes me...and most of all, for the knowledge that I will be with my soldier again soon, that from here on out the waiting won't be quite so long, that every moment without him is worth the wait.

Gaining Perspective

I cried today...not because we fought, not out of sadness or discontent, not out of worry...this time it was out of relief, relief that my soldier made it through another week safely. I keep talking about how much I have learned this week, and the good that came out of all of the hurt. What I really learned was that, if anything happened to him and that was the last conversation we ever had, I'd never be able to live with myself. It was a wake-up call, a chance to put my life in perspective. I'm not sure why it took so long for me to realize that that's the reason I crumpled to the floor sobbing yesterday, reading each word in my "little box of happiness" word magnets to calm myself down, but it did.

I missed the little green light more than ever this week, but I got it back tonight. "Hello, love!" ...after all of that, those are the first words he sent me. "Hello, love! I'm going to sleep now, but I should get a chance to talk to you soon. I'm doing well, and it's been a pretty good week. I love you!" I'm the luckiest girl alive, and I am thankful for EVERY moment, every message, every smile, every tear. I am thankful that every step I take and every moment we're apart brings me closer to him. I am thankful for the love and the trust that we share. I am SO thankful that he's a part of my life and I am PROUD of my soldier.

Words Can Hurt

It's been six days since we fought...and I can still feel the sting, it still hurts, and right now it hurts because I know I never want to hurt him. No matter what was said, I know that what resulted was not what either of us had intended. It brought out the worst in our relationship, everything that could potentially tear us apart, and for that night we stopped focusing on the positive, on how much we love each other, on how empty we feel knowing that we are six thousand miles from each other's arms. We LOVE each other, and while I know that love alone is not enough, I also know that we have what it takes.

For all of the hurt that came out of that conversation, I wish I could tell him how much good came of it. I learned SO much about the strength of our relationship, even when it was at its weakest. That weakness came out of the strength of our love because we DO care, we care so much it hurts, and sometimes finding the rational, the logical, within that is the hardest part. I asked him tough questions; I asked him to articulate and quantify feelings that are, essentially, unquantifiable...he answered each question perfectly, thoughtfully. Yes, we have a lot to talk about, but I believe in us. We have endured so much, and I hope that this ultimately serves to strengthen our relationship.

A Long Awaited Reunion

I know it has been an exceedingly long time since I've written anything. Mostly it has been much of the same, I miss my soldier, but he has consistently proven that my love for him is based in something pure, wonderful, and sincere. He has been my rock through so much, especially the pain and insecurities I've been facing this semester...my life is changing, and the assurance that he's willing to embrace the tears and wants to see me as I am, regardless of what I am feeling, is endlessly comforting. It means the world to have someone believe in you even when you cannot believe in yourself, and I certainly don't begrudge him his "I told you so" moment. He did, he told me so.

It's a week now since I returned from Spring Break, a two-week period in which I had the opportunity to explore the narratives of Israelis and Palestinians and gain perspective on the ongoing conflict as part of one of my courses, Israel/Palestine: Histories in Conflict. Not only did I gain perspective both personally and academically, but it was an opportunity for a long awaited reunion. Finally, after ten months apart, Skyping every other weekend, I saw my soldier again. It was, hands down, the happiest moment of my life. I wish I could describe that reunion in less uncertain terms, but my emotions were a slew of contradictions, oscillating between confusion, absolute certainty, and pure disbelief. Experiencing Israel together was incredible, and there is consolation in knowing that I will be safe in his arms again in a few short months...I love him with all my heart.

I'm Amazing...I Know, I Didn't Believe It Either

I got to hear his voice today! He didn't have the weekend off, so it was only a few whispered minutes on the phone when the guys were supposed to be asleep. Do I mind? Not in the least! I'm just so happy I got to hear his voice and see how he's doing and tell him how much he means to me and that I'm thinking of him...that's all that's important right now. I truly believe that he's an amazing boyfriend and that I'm the luckiest girl in the world, but today he turned it around on me. I never thought that I was anything special, that waiting for him and being supportive of something that means so much to him was anything to be proud of...it's just who I am. Nothing in that made me think "Oh, I'm an amazing girlfriend" so it was nice to hear, nice to know that all I have to do is follow my heart. I'm not used to someone insisting that "No, really...you're amazing." "Silly talk!" but I'm certainly not complaining!

This weekend he's getting off on Thursday, and I can't wait to talk to him and see his face again (not to mention the little green light I've been missing dearly for the past week). My soldier and I have been together for nearly two years now, and I never dreamed that all this would happen, that he would end up so far away, and that somehow I'd find the strength, the courage, and the love to handle the distance. But it's worth it, every moment of it...still. I miss and love my soldier with all my heart. Talk to you soon, love! <3

That Little Green Light

For me, the light at the end of the tunnel is a little green light with a check mark on it. Thank you Skype for giving me hope and for bringing me just a little bit closer to my soldier today. A year ago I never would have realized the feelings of anticipation, relief, and comfort that a funny-shaped little button could induce, and now it's my reality. Sometimes it's hard to imagine 6,000 miles between us when he looks close enough to reach out and touch...both a blessing and a curse...but I live for those moments, the moments that make the weeks worth waiting, that remind me how much every second counts, that make all of the emotions and the times when I tell myself "if only he were here he could fix everything" a little bit easier.

Every time I see that little green light light up I know that he's okay, that I'm one step closer to seeing him again, and I know that no matter what happens I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other...and each step will take me closer to him. Yes, that little green light gives me courage, and every time it goes out I know I'm in for two long weeks before I'll see it (and him) again. But once in a while it flickers on for a few minutes during the week and it makes me smile as I frantically try to type a message before it goes out again. For now, I'll take comfort in it while I still can and prepare to face two more weeks knowing that love finds its way to us wherever we are...and that I love him.