Counting My Blessings

So much has happened in the past week. I fell apart, pulled myself together, fell apart again, and now I'm slowly finding my feet again...literally. Yesterday was a fantastic day...I fell down in the middle of teaching at the middle school and hurt my back, when I wasn't in class I was propped up in bed, and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep around 8:30 and had to get up to put my pajamas on, tripped, and almost fell again. And yes, THAT was a good day. The pain, the frustration, all of that means so little if you have HOPE. I was happy because I found hope even when I felt like I was going nowhere...I have confidence that now that I can move forward.

What went well? I made a matzo gyro for lunch; I got a call from my soldier; I went to a wine bar and caught up with an old friend. No, I didn't even get to TALK to my soldier...he called during rehearsal when I couldn't answer my phone, but he CALLED. That's what really matters, that I know he's alive and well, that he's thinking of me, and that I'll be able to talk to him soon. I am SO thankful for all the blessings in my life. I'm thankful for my soldier, for the good times and the bad. I'm thankful for the memories of our time together and for the moments those memories keep me going. I'm thankful for hope, for the confidence that I will be okay no matter where life takes me...and most of all, for the knowledge that I will be with my soldier again soon, that from here on out the waiting won't be quite so long, that every moment without him is worth the wait.

Gaining Perspective

I cried today...not because we fought, not out of sadness or discontent, not out of worry...this time it was out of relief, relief that my soldier made it through another week safely. I keep talking about how much I have learned this week, and the good that came out of all of the hurt. What I really learned was that, if anything happened to him and that was the last conversation we ever had, I'd never be able to live with myself. It was a wake-up call, a chance to put my life in perspective. I'm not sure why it took so long for me to realize that that's the reason I crumpled to the floor sobbing yesterday, reading each word in my "little box of happiness" word magnets to calm myself down, but it did.

I missed the little green light more than ever this week, but I got it back tonight. "Hello, love!" ...after all of that, those are the first words he sent me. "Hello, love! I'm going to sleep now, but I should get a chance to talk to you soon. I'm doing well, and it's been a pretty good week. I love you!" I'm the luckiest girl alive, and I am thankful for EVERY moment, every message, every smile, every tear. I am thankful that every step I take and every moment we're apart brings me closer to him. I am thankful for the love and the trust that we share. I am SO thankful that he's a part of my life and I am PROUD of my soldier.

Words Can Hurt

It's been six days since we fought...and I can still feel the sting, it still hurts, and right now it hurts because I know I never want to hurt him. No matter what was said, I know that what resulted was not what either of us had intended. It brought out the worst in our relationship, everything that could potentially tear us apart, and for that night we stopped focusing on the positive, on how much we love each other, on how empty we feel knowing that we are six thousand miles from each other's arms. We LOVE each other, and while I know that love alone is not enough, I also know that we have what it takes.

For all of the hurt that came out of that conversation, I wish I could tell him how much good came of it. I learned SO much about the strength of our relationship, even when it was at its weakest. That weakness came out of the strength of our love because we DO care, we care so much it hurts, and sometimes finding the rational, the logical, within that is the hardest part. I asked him tough questions; I asked him to articulate and quantify feelings that are, essentially, unquantifiable...he answered each question perfectly, thoughtfully. Yes, we have a lot to talk about, but I believe in us. We have endured so much, and I hope that this ultimately serves to strengthen our relationship.